I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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