I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
