Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
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