bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Acid is not a monday night drug
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
