I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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