There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
