Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Randomize
