It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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