I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
