If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
i drank out of a bidet.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
