Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
