You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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