I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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