He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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