does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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