Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
