god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
