so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
