I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
