were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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