Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
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