Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
