Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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