I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I touched a dick in church today
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
