Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
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