how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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