Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
