So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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