mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
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