That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
