Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Randomize
