dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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