the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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