This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
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