No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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