I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
