Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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