We need to start having sex underwater more often.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Randomize
