you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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