all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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