I am spending my child support on dildos
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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