I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
