I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
