Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
