Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
