oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
