She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Randomize
