even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
