i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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