the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
